Mother’s Day poses a conundrum: How do family members plan something special for the person who’s least likely to ask for what she wants?
Ann Robinson, a licensed clinical social worker with Two Rivers Therapy and Consulting in Fort Collins, frequently works with moms experiencing burnout. She says the first step in taking care of Mom is recognizing everything she’s managing.
This is true for Amber Zack, a Loveland mom of three, who says the issue isn’t that her family isn’t willing to help. It’s that they don’t know what to help with.
“They’ll clean what’s dirty,” she says. “The problem is they don’t see what’s dirty until I point it out.”
“For a busy mom, having to pause and think of something for someone else to do, and then potentially explain how to do it, can actually feel like more on her plate,” Robinson says.
Instead, she suggests family members look for tasks that always need attention, such as doing laundry, checking homework, emptying the dishwasher, walking the dogs or making kids’ lunches.
For Greeley mom Amber Jimenez, help feeding the baby or putting her down for a nap would free her up to spend more time in the kitchen trying new recipes, which she finds fun and relaxing. Zack says others’ help, for her, could mean taking a morning off of making breakfast or enjoying a bubble bath while someone else does the chores.
But moms also need to be able to accept the help, Robinson says.
Jimenez family
Accepting help
From scheduling appointments to communicating with teachers, moms take on daily tasks that their family may not even realize. In a society that rewards moms for being selfless and taking on the bulk of the responsibility for their children, asking for help can feel uncomfortable, Robinson says.
Jimenez says asking for help with her newborn daughter can feel like a hit to her pride.
“I feel like I’m supposed to know everything, do everything and basically be super mom,” she says.
According to Robinson, she’s not alone.
“We’ve been socially conditioned to think we’re better moms if we do everything ourselves,” she says. “It can make us feel like we’re failing in the eyes of others if we need a break.”
Even well-meaning family members asking “What can I do to help?” is often counterproductive.
It can be hard for moms to give up control, but Robinson encourages them to try, reminding them nothing has to be permanent. Sometimes all that’s needed is help getting through a particularly busy day.
“Just like when we let young children help with chores—even though we could do it faster ourselves—the same goes for letting others help us with the tasks in our lives,” Robinson says. “They may not do it the way we’d like the first time, but if we never give them the chance to learn, we’ll be doing it all on our own until our children are grown.”
For moms who feel like failures when they can’t juggle everything themselves, Robinson suggests thinking back to their own childhoods.
“When we remember the times our parents didn’t show up for us the way we hoped—maybe they were short-tempered or distracted—it’s usually because they weren’t taking care of themselves,” she says. “Our kids don’t need us to do everything for them. They need to feel valued, listened to and understood. We can’t give them that if we’re already over capacity.”
How NOCO moms want to spend Mother’s Day
“Church in the morning followed by a trip to Pinewood Reservoir for paddleboarding or to Viestenz-Smith Mountain Park to play in the river.”
♦ Perfect gift: A Tupperware organization system.
—Sierra Smith, Berthoud mom of four, ages 1, 5, 6 and 8, with baby number five on the way
“My husband, kids and I would start bright and early with a half-day whitewater rafting trip with Mountain Whitewater in Fort Collins. Next, we’d grab lunch at LuLu Asian Bistro, which has the best wonton soup and veggie sushi in town. We’d wander around Old Town before catching an early show at The Comedy Fort. Afterward, we’d go out for pineapple margaritas at Blue Agave Grill. Finally, we’d head home for PJs and a movie on the couch.”
♦ Perfect gift: A downtown Fort Collins gift card that I could spend on a new outfit from Cira or a kitchen gadget from The Cupboard.
—Kristen Foote, Fort Collins mom of two, ages 17 and 19
“The Saturday before Mother’s Day, I would leave my family to enjoy a facial, massage, pedicure and manicure at Woodhouse Spa, with plenty of time in between to read a book, snack on fresh fruit, sip mimosas and enjoy the peace and quiet. Later I would head to Estes Park, where I’d order Mexican takeout to enjoy outside my hotel by the river. The next morning I’d sleep in, then go out for brunch and a hike. When I’d get home later that day, the house would be clean, the kids would be playing nicely and my husband would have dinner waiting.”
♦ Perfect gift: A spa day and time to myself.
—Katy Clopper, Berthoud mom of five, ages 10 (twins), 13, 16 and 18
“Now that my kids are grown and have moved away, my perfect day would involve having them both home when I wake up in the morning and looking forward to spending the day together. They’d make me breakfast, and we’d head to Rocky Mountain National Park for hiking, talking and laughter. Then we’d enjoy a picnic lunch—packed by someone besides me—next to a stream. Afterward, we’d try a new-to-us Estes Park restaurant: Bird & Jim. We’d head home to play a board game or cards, and I’d go to bed happy knowing my kids were back under my roof.”
♦ Perfect gift: Time with family.
—Alisa Richter, Loveland mom of two adult kids
“If we stayed in town, I’d love to go boating and camping with my family. My middle daughter does a great job planning everything, and we enjoy trips to Blue Mesa Reservoir in Gunnison or Jackson Lake in Wyoming. My son-in-law cooks pizza for everyone in his custom pizza oven or grills salmon after one of his trips to Alaska. Everyone water skis, tubes and fishes, and we all enjoy the day together.”
♦ Perfect gift: An enlarged photo of all my children, children-in-law and grandchildren.
—Ruthanne Nagel, Windsor mom of three and grandmother of nine
