Just when you think you’ve met the one, you meet…their parents. Suddenly, wedding bells turn into warning bells as you realize you’re not just gaining a partner; you’re gaining their whole family.
Relationships with in-laws can be tricky to navigate, even before they’re officially in-laws. Maree Johnston, officiant and owner of Married by Maree, says unclear expectations about the ceremony are what usually start the trouble.
“Families want their traditions to continue while the couple wants to create their own,” she says. “Nobody talks about it until after feelings get hurt.”
She cites guest lists, wedding finances and brides’ decisions to keep their last names as top issues she hears about leading up to the big day.
Conflict with in-laws typically happens around big life moments, which is why they are common before weddings, says Emily Altman, a licensed professional counselor, marriage and family therapist and owner of The Couples Workshop in Fort Collins.
“We often see it when something is changing in the couple’s lives: moving in together, getting married, buying a home, starting a family,” she says. “These next chapters can be especially hard to navigate with in-laws.”
Emily Altman (above)
Jake Lohwater (right)
Resetting expectations
Strained relationships often stem from the expectation that blending families will be easy, says Jake Lohwater, a licensed psychotherapist, couples counselor and owner of Lohwater Counseling Services in Fort Collins.
“There’s often this hope that everything will be great, when in reality things tend to be awkward and messy at first,” he says. “Both the adult children and their parents are dealing with a lot of change—shifting dynamics and relationships—and that’s difficult for everyone.”
Because of that, Lohwater says not getting along initially shouldn’t be a big red flag. Instead, he recommends that couples view early challenges as opportunities to come together with a shared goal of building and strengthening the relationship.
“It’s really important that everyone talks about what expectations they have—both the couple, the parents and then all together,” he says. “What does blending families look like to you? What cultural expectations do you have? What are the norms in your family? What activities do you do together?”
Once everything is out on the table, he says it becomes easier to bridge the gap and get aligned.
Maree Johnston (middle). Photo by Sharee Davenport.
Navigating the early stages
Altman recommends taking your partner’s existing relationship with their parents as a cue when navigating the new dynamic.
“It’s important to mirror their relationship as much as possible,” she says. “At the same time, you shouldn’t have to force the relationship or bend your own boundaries or culture to do so.”
That’s why she emphasizes the importance of communicating with your partner early and often. She helps clients talk through topics before they arise, from family politics to cultural differences. Together, they discuss expectations, boundaries and how to support one another.
“The goal isn’t to change who your in-laws are,” Altman says. “It’s to make sure you and your partner are prepared to present a united front when issues do come up.”
Once you and your partner are aligned, it’s time to share those expectations with your in-laws. Lohwater advises couples to take a gentle, thoughtful approach that considers everyone’s expectations and needs. The goal isn’t to make demands, he says, but to find a balance.
“Coming in hot and heavy is usually not a good idea,” he says. “It’s best to look at every perspective, validate that things are changing and explain that you want to honor how things have been done while building a new way forward together.”
Tackling challenges as they arise
Even couples with years of marriage under their belts can struggle with in-law conflict. Experts say financial assistance from in-laws for large purchases, like a home or vehicle, is a common source of tension.
“When family is involved—either through a loan or a gift—they often offer suggestions, criticize or question the couple’s decisions,” Altman says. “This can make things uncomfortable.”
She recommends having a conversation ahead of time about what expectations come along with that assistance and then making an informed decision about whether to accept it.
Holidays and vacations can also trigger conflict. While in-laws might expect their adult children to spend the entire day or trip with them, that level of togetherness can feel overwhelming for their partners.
Altman coaches couples to use a simple strategy when one partner needs a break: a code word or subtle signal.
“It could be a silly word to lighten the mood or a touch on the elbow to signal, ‘I’m ready to go,’” she says. “Some kind of exit strategy for when things start to feel awkward or tense.”
Lohwater often sees conflict resurface when couples start families. He points to generational differences in parenting styles—such as boundaries around screen time, junk food and bedtime—and differing expectations around grandparents’ roles as the most common challenges.
Here, too, he says open dialogue is essential.
“Discuss ways grandparents can be helpful and supportive without creating stress for anyone,” he says.
When things just aren’t clicking
Sometimes families struggle to blend even years later. Personality differences, political or social disagreements, resentment or feeling ignored or excluded can make building a relationship feel impossible.
“When you notice this happening, it’s important to acknowledge it with yourself and your partner first,” Lohwater says. “Then it may be time to bring the family together and be direct, saying something like, ‘I feel like you don’t like me and I’d like to understand why,’ or ‘What would a good relationship look like to you, and how we can work toward that together?’”
He and Altman agree that cutting ties entirely should be a last resort.
“When couples cut ties with in-laws, they tend to mourn the loss of the relationship and the stories and traditions in-laws could bring, even if making the cut felt like the right decision,” she says.
Still, it’s OK not to attend every gathering, to place boundaries on your time or for your partner to spend solo time with their family.
“If you can’t enjoy yourselves together, it may be appropriate to limit the time you spend together to preserve your sanity,” Lohwater says. “Maybe you meet for Christmas dinner instead of spending the whole day together. It’s okay to take your in-laws in doses if it helps reduce conflict.”
Why a good relationship matters
Altman says clients who build and maintain a healthy relationship with their in-laws report that it adds a deeper connection in their marriage and a stronger foundation for their children.
Lohwater agrees, urging clients to try, try and try again—and if that doesn’t work, try again next year.
“Building new relationships isn’t easy, especially early on,” he says. “You have to be patient with the process and with each other and be willing to adapt. Things can always get better.”
