Anxiety presents itself in many uncomfortable scenarios, from sending an overcooked steak back in a restaurant to introducing yourself at a networking event and—gulp—talking to your kids about sex. Life is full of these cringe-worthy moments, and often you have no choice but to face them head-on. Here are some tips to help you out.
#1 – Sending food back at a restaurant
Geneva de Geus, a chef who used to work at Restaurant 415 in Fort Collins and once owned a cafe in Germany, says the purpose of going out to eat is to be served. That’s why she encourages you to send back food that doesn’t make you happy. In many ways, you’re doing the restaurant a favor by giving the staff a chance to solve the problem, she says.
“The restaurant should fix it; if it doesn’t, it’s not going to be around for long,” she says. “You as the patron will tell people that things went right or wrong. That’s a proven statistic in the industry.”
She recognizes that sometimes servers or kitchen staff act entitled and believe there is nothing wrong with a meal. Other times, servers might be scared to bring food back to the kitchen.
Joy Overturf, a former waitress, says it’s important to be kind when returning improperly prepared food.
“It’s what I call ‘the restaurant voice,’” she says. “It goes a long way, so you aren’t marked as a complainer and the waitstaff and manager welcome you if you return.”
De Geus suggests this polite approach: “Excuse me, I apologize if it seems like I’m coming off as too picky, but I feel like this isn’t the way I ordered it. Is there something you can do about it?”
#2 – Breaking up with your hairstylist
Hairstylists know their clients’ haircare wishes can change. Before telling your stylist that you’re moving on, Danielle Bertoch at Eleven Salon in Greeley recommends communicating honestly about how to improve things together.
And yet, sometimes that doesn’t work. In those situations, Bertoch suggests saying, “Maybe another set of eyes would be beneficial,” or “I think I’ll look for someone else who has expertise in a certain way of cutting or styling my hair.”
If you change stylists, don’t avoid them or talk badly about them to others. If you see them out shopping, politely say hello and move on with your day, Bertoch says.
“Hairstylists have feelings and aren’t perfect,” she says, “but our mission is to make every person feel confident and beautiful in and out of our chair.”
#3 – Making introductions at networking events
Chalice Springfield says most people experience unease or anxiety when meeting new people.
“Understanding that others might be having similar feelings makes me feel on common ground when I’m going to a networking event,” she says.
As a coach and professional speaker in Greeley, Springfield believes that 15-20 minutes spent researching details about speakers or sponsors significantly eases her anxiety.
“I like to review key things about what I’m trying to accomplish by attending an event and learning a bit about the audience,” she says.
Then she takes a deep breath and remembers that networking is about relationships, not transactions. She recommends practicing personalized introductions that are conversational and meaningful by using starters like “What would you do if…?,” “Did you know…?” or “Wouldn’t it be great if…?” Asking engaging questions such as “What are you excited about?” or “What is a challenge for you right now?” creates meaningful interactions, she says.
From there, try to connect with others by listening to what they’re saying, maintaining eye contact and looking for what Springfield calls “breadcrumbs” in a conversation, which could be details about someone’s family, hobbies or dreams. Discussing those things can create momentum and make the conversation feel more natural.
“If you’re curious, you’re not just trying to impress or collect business cards; you’re genuinely there to learn about others,” she says.
#4 – Talking to kids about sex
When discussing sex in her practice, or as a mom raising her now-adult kids, Brandie Sellers, a certified sex therapist and counselor in Timnath, relies on six sexual health principles: consent, non-exploitation, honesty, shared values, protection from unwanted pregnancy or sexually transmitted diseases and pleasure. Talking to your kids about sex should start when they’re toddlers, she says.
“We can teach consent and bodily autonomy to children from toddlerhood by acknowledging they don’t have to give hugs if they don’t want to, so when they get older they feel comfortable saying yes or no when someone wants to engage with them sexually,” she says.
There is no shame in using anatomically correct names when referring to genitalia, Sellers says, noting that the use of nicknames risks missing a child’s outcry of abuse because people might not understand what they are saying. As children age, she recommends using news stories to discuss sex in a non-personal way to broach conversations about sexual health.
“Research shows that teens who get comprehensive sexual health information debut later sexually than teens who don’t get that education, and they are more likely to use contraception,” she says.
#5 – Discussing finances with a partner
To resolve potential disagreements about money with a partner, Brandie Sellers, who also counsels couples and individuals on matters besides sex, advises that couples talk about finances before getting married. Discussions can involve how money was handled in each partner’s home growing up as well as life goals, retirement plans and how to handle regular and discretionary expenses.
“Neither partner should feel powerless over how money is handled in the partnership,” she says. “Financial abuse occurs when one person controls the money and does not give the other person access to or agency over it.”
Having joint household and savings accounts along with individual accounts for equal discretionary spending for each partner can be part of ongoing discussions, Sellers says. While it may feel awkward at first, money talks are important for couples to be on the same page and build a healthy financial future together.
#6 – Asking for a raise
Fort Collins career coach Chrysta Bairre encourages her clients to keep track of their accomplishments during the year to show the impact of their work when asking for a raise.
“Watch your mind telling you that your contributions don’t count,” she says. “If you experience self-doubt (often called imposter syndrome), keeping a list of compliments and praise you have received at work can remind you that other people see value in what you do.”
Noting your top five accomplishments gives you valuable information to share with your supervisor when it’s time for a performance review and helps you communicate your worth without faltering. Avoid focusing only on the money, Bairre says, and discuss how you want to contribute to the team and the organization’s goals over the next year.
If you feel anxious before the meeting, she recommends taking time to calm your nervous system.
“Before going into the conversation, take a few minutes to ground yourself by taking some deep breaths, taking a walk around the block, doing simple stretches or shaking out your body to release anxiety,” she says. “If you become nervous during the meeting, wiggling your toes brings you more present in your body and reduces anxiety.”
#7 – Saying no at work
Consider saying no to requests or demands at work if you are unable or unwilling to commit, Chrysta Bairre says, even if it’s hard to do.
“Most people would rather hear no upfront than have someone agree and have undesirable results or not complete the task,” she says. “The more we agree to do things we don’t want to do, over time we can become resentful and burned out. That’s not beneficial for anyone.”
You can give valid reasons such as not having the right experience, time or resources to successfully follow through with the request, Bairre says. How you explain your reasoning can also affect how it is received.
Respond with, “Thank you for thinking of me, but I can’t give the project the attention it requires,” or “I have another priority project I’m working on and am unable to commit to this new request,” she says.
If you get pushback, Bairre suggests saying, “If you can’t find someone else to step in, let me know and I can revisit how I might help.”
#8 – Getting a second opinion on medical care
Dr. Farrah Datko, a UCHealth medical oncologist, says there are many benefits to seeking a second opinion, even though it might feel uncomfortable or scary. Getting second opinions from certain doctors, such as oncologists, is actually very common, she says.
“Some people are concerned about offending their first doctor and worry they might treat them differently or cause treatment delays,” Datko says, “and some people express concern that they may get conflicting advice and then feel overwhelmed.”
In reality, getting a second opinion can help you feel more confident in the initial recommendation or reassure concerned family members and friends, she says, especially at the beginning of a cancer diagnosis or any other unfavorable scenario. After all, your comfort and reassurance are far more important than any awkwardness caused by asking for a second opinion.
#9 – Talking about end-of-life issues
Seniors often struggle with talking about end-of-life preferences with their children. Conversely, children don’t want to hurt their parents’ feelings by bringing it up. But these things need to be discussed in advance because life is unpredictable and sometimes these decisions need to be made quickly.
Karen Midyet, a clinical psychologist in Fort Collins, says the topic typically comes up in doctor’s offices when patients are asked to fill out a “five wishes” form about resuscitation and feeding tubes. Patients may not understand what the terms mean.
“Say to your kids, ‘I’m confused about what this means; let’s talk about it so you know what I really want,’” she says.
She suggests broaching the conversation with your adult children this way: “I have to fill out this form at the doctor’s office, so if I can’t talk for myself, you understand what my wishes are.”
How to Handle Anxious Feelings
To work through anxiety, Emilie Ryan, a counselor and somatic experiencing practitioner in Fort Collins, recommends practices that give the body time to process negative thoughts and release tension. First, try to control physiological sensations like sweating, cold extremities, tunnel vision, rapid or shallow breathing, increased heart rate or digestive problems with slow muscle relaxation, she says. To do this, pull your shoulders together and upward, hold for 10-20 seconds and slowly release them while exhaling.
Activities associated with past trauma can trigger anxiety, says Tamara Reid, an alternative therapist and certified animal communicator in Fort Collins. Still, she believes anyone can overcome this by trusting their instincts.
“I use what I’ve learned from animals to help keep people from overthinking or buying into the shame game,” Reid says. “If animals don’t like or trust, they don’t go near a person. We tend to override our intuition or instincts.”
She uses the “five-second rule,” a simple self-management method that pushes the body to act within that timeframe before the brain steps in and talks you out of taking the action. Her therapies also include meditation, grounding techniques and helping people recognize when they are projecting a certain feeling onto other people.
“The people who are fighting their intuition experience the most anxiety,” she says.
