There’s a reason they call it the honeymoon phase. Maybe you’re still in it. Maybe you’re as twitterpated as Thumper, and the scent of spring flowers floats through your nostrils whenever you see your fiancé.
So why on earth would you need premarital counseling? This question makes Chris Berger giggle.
“One or both are wearing rose-colored glasses, and one or both are putting their best foot forward,” says Berger, therapist and owner of Foundations Counseling, which has locations in Loveland, Fort Collins and Windsor. “That’s romance and attraction.”
Those rose-colored glasses eventually come off, usually when someone keeps leaving dishes in the sink, their dog vomits on the new carpet or their mother-in-law visits for the third time in a month.
Many things can cause friction in a marriage, even when you think you know your partner. While you might be surprised by some of their habits, beliefs and expectations even after you’re married, experts say it’s beneficial to assess your differences and work through problem areas in your relationship before you tie the knot.
You can address them with a counselor or by yourself, but either way, as a couple preparing for marriage, you’ve got some couch time ahead of you. Consider the following topics to get the ball rolling.
Finances
Money remains one of the greatest challenges couples face because most individuals haven’t received training on how to handle it, Berger says. He recommends Dave Ramsey’s introductory course on personal finances as well as the book, “The Richest Man in Babylon,” which was written in 1926 and is still pertinent today. He also says hiring an accountant for a one-hour session can help couples figure out how to share expenses.
Berger says transparency about each person’s bills, debt and spending habits is critical before getting married.
“You should do this even before living together,” he says. “Eventually it will come out anyway.”
While many happy couples completely combine their finances, Berger says it can be helpful for each person to have a separate checking account they don’t need permission to use, especially if the accounts pay for an interest or hobby they don’t share, like playing poker or making art. How much money is in those accounts should depend on how much each person makes, Berger says, though he suggests a few hundred or a few thousand dollars.
Sex
Society’s expectations, or what we perceive them to be, can mess with even the strongest marriages, says Dr. Tasha Seiter, therapist and owner of Heart of the Matter in Fort Collins.
“A lot of my job is myth busting or tearing down cultural narratives that just aren’t true,” she says.
An easy example of that, she says, is sex. Sex comes up a lot in counseling, and many problems stem from the unrealistic expectations society puts on couples.
“It’s a lot less frequent than you think it will be,” Seiter says.
For instance, sex doesn’t generally happen multiple times a week, even among happy couples. Once a week is the median, and there are happy couples who do it less often than that, she says.
Communicating your desires without pressuring your partner can help, she says, as well as generally showing affection that has nothing to do with sex.
Living together before marriage
Berger recommends that couples live together before getting married, which society generally frowned upon years ago (and still does in some circles). He admits there’s conflicting research on whether couples who live together have happier marriages.
“But what I have found is there are critical elements that are only discovered by living under the same roof,” he says.
Living together helps couples work out problems that can strain marriages, such as splitting household chores. That also includes figuring out how to spend time together while respecting individual habits such as going to bed at 8 p.m. or staying up past midnight, Berger says.
Seiter says living together can also help a couple reach three critical relationship goals that are easy to overlook when you’re dating:
• Secure attachment: A feeling of safety around your partner. Your relationship is a safe haven from the outside world instead of a source of stress.
• Good communication: Basics include not being defensive, owning your part in mistakes or problems and finding gentle ways of expressing your needs.
• Emotional safety: You believe you can be your true, authentic self without judgement from your partner.
Religion
Carolyn Mader, owner of Mending Hearts Counseling in Windsor, says she doesn’t have to resolve religious differences very often because the couples she sees believe in the same religion 95 percent of the time. Of course, that could be a reflection of her faith-based counseling, something she does if a couple requests it.
“Mostly they have ideas about what church they’d like to attend, or how much they want to be involved in church or small groups,” she says.
John Gottman, a psychologist and relationship expert respected by the counselors interviewed for this story, advises couples to acknowledge conflicts instead of avoiding them. Nearly 70 percent of problems in a marriage are perpetual, he says, meaning they are not technically “solvable.” It’s therefore OK to have separate faiths in some relationships, though for some, that can be a deal-breaker.
Mader’s other tips include being curious about the other person’s religion and respecting it, even if you choose not to partake in it. That might mean attending the occasional service and asking about your partner’s beliefs without aggressively challenging them.
In-laws
Mader says married couples primarily see her for three reasons: sex, finances and their in-laws. That last one generally isn’t talked about as much as the others, and yet, in-laws can cause a lot of tension for couples.
Common pain points include how much time couples are expected to spend with their in-laws, their political or religious differences and their opinions on how to raise children, which tend to evolve with each generation. For example, parents have to worry about screen time today, a problem that might not have existed when their parents raised them.
“If you grew up with completely different values, then that’s an area where there might be some contention,” Mader says.
Setting boundaries is important early on, both in the expectations about the time spent with in-laws and the “advice” in-laws hand out, Mader says. She says she likes to remind partners of the Biblical stance, “leave and cleave,” which means that partners should separate from their family of origin and cleave, or attach, themselves to their new family.
Kids and pets
Obviously, kids aren’t a given in a marriage. A February 2024 poll by the Pew Research Center revealed that nearly half of those ages 18-34 either aren’t sure they want kids or definitely do not want them.
The American Psychological Association says worries such as climate change, uncertainty about reproductive rights and the high cost of housing drive those opinions.
Couples should be upfront with each other about what they want, the association says, but that doesn’t mean those wants can’t change over time. If both partners want kids, it’s a good idea to discuss how you would raise them ahead of time, Mader says, including what religion, if any, should be practiced, how you’ll discipline them and how much freedom you’ll give them.
Discussing who will take care of pets and how often is also crucial, Seiter says, as this ensures that both partners feel like those duties are divided up fairly.
“Challenges such as allergies, training and boundaries, like whether pets are allowed on the furniture, should be discussed,” she says.
There are compromises, she says, including establishing pet-free zones and choosing a hypoallergenic breed.
Work-life balance
An ambitious person can do just fine with someone who is content to collect a paycheck as long as their expectations about spending time together are discussed early on, Seiter says. It’s also helpful to set boundaries, such as work-free hours, time away from phones and regular date nights.
The quality of the time spent together can be just as important.
“Couples should prioritize meaningful, intentional interactions and daily rituals of connection to maintain emotional intimacy,” Seiter says.
Work-life balance is an overused phrase that is more about finding a routine and rhythm, Berger says. He recommends the book, “The Power of Full Engagement,” to learn how to manage your energy and time and include your partner in both.
“You have to take care of yourself, but you also have to take care of your partner,” Berger says. “A lot of people tend to overlook exercise, eating, sleep and sex. If one or more are out of balance, then everything will be out of balance.”
Getting it all out in the open
One of the biggest reasons couples won’t seek out premarital counseling is they don’t know it exists, Berger says. Another is that they’re afraid of what they might find out.
That, many agree, is the best reason to go.
“The goal is not for the couple to stay together,” Seiter says. “The goal is to have two people who are happy in life.”
So, yes, that means that sometimes couples break up after they go through counseling. Seiter doesn’t necessarily consider that a problem.
Money, kids, in-laws and sex are four of the most common points of conflict, Berger says, and they can be deal-breakers if they aren’t addressed early on. That’s why it’s important to have conversations about these things before marriage.
“A large number of people discover over time that there are so many conservations they didn’t have that they wish they had,” he says. “They find out, years later, that they have fundamental differences in beliefs that could have been resolved, or they may shed light on why they may not have wanted to get married in the first place.”
“That is a success,” Seiter says. “Some people aren’t meant to be together.”
Despite that possible outcome, Mader loves premarital counseling the most out of everything she does because the couples are generally happy.
“They’re in a place of bliss and are excited about the future,” Mader says. “It’s a much nicer place.”
Faith & Spiritual Counseling
Premarital counseling is often associated with the church, though some therapists, such as Carolyn Mader of Mending Heart Counseling in Windsor, also offer faith-based counseling. She can counsel couples with or without faith and believes she’s just as effective either way.
Mader believes church leaders can offer effective premarital counseling. It’s likely free, and they have lots of experience counseling people, she says. But there are downsides. For example, church leaders might not have the training to diagnose more serious conditions. They shouldn’t try, she says.
“Sometimes I see couples, and one or both are dealing with anxiety or something else, and that’s something I can help with,” she says. “Others may be neurodivergent, and I don’t know if a pastor is trained to spot that.”
