Tanis Roeder has worked as a professional speaker and coach for 15 years. Last month, before an important presentation, she woke up feeling like she was going to throw up.
It’s fine, in other words, to be nervous before a big speech.
“If you aren’t nervous,” Roeder says, “you aren’t taking it seriously enough.”
Roeder is a public speaking coach based in Fort Collins whose clients include corporate leaders across the country as well as people giving eulogies, graduation speeches and toasts. Whether you’re preparing a slideshow for work or writing your wedding vows, she and other public speaking experts agree that anxiety can interfere—unless you know how to manage it.
Let’s start with a pep talk from Roeder, who is also writing a book about how to deliver words when they matter most.
You aren’t as bad as you think you are
Roeder likes to film clients practicing their speech and make them watch it. She doesn’t do it to torture them. It’s the opposite, she says.
“Usually we tell ourselves how bad we are,” she says of those intrusive thoughts convincing us we’ll stumble over our words or feel nauseous before an audience. “I’m working to change that narrative. When they watch themselves, they can see they’re actually not too bad.”
The audience doesn’t care as much as you think they do
Yes, some would choose death over public speaking because they feel judged. But Roeder says the audience doesn’t care about your presentation, or your words, as much as you think they do. That’s often a shock, something she calls “the spotlight effect.”
“We believe they are looking at our armpits and seeing the sweat,” Roeder says, “but if we really asked the audience, they would say no.”
Confidence is key
There are simple things you can do, such as making eye contact, that boost how an audience perceives you, Roeder says. Try to stop doing things that make you appear less confident, like touching your neck or clasping your hands.
Using gestures during a speech can help curb this. In fact, gestures and vocal variety, like the rise and fall of your voice, can help you make a point and keep your audience engaged.
Don’t expect perfection
Rylee McHone tries to reframe her students’ expectations when they think a speech needs to be perfect.
“I say people talk for a living, and they are not perfect,” says McHone, a Windsor resident who teaches public speaking at Front Range and Aims community colleges. “So why would you put that expectation on yourself?”
McHone and Roeder both say you shouldn’t memorize your speech for a couple reasons. First, you’ll be so focused on remembering every word that you put too much pressure on your presentation. Second, your brain will forget the rest of the speech if you can’t remember a word, making it easy to get jumbled. Notes are fine, they say, whether on cards or in the notes app on your phone.
“Having just a note that says ‘story about the second grade’ is enough,” McHone says.
Tell stories
TJ Grisel, a public speaking coach and member of the Fort Collins chapter of Toastmasters, a club that helps people improve their public speaking skills, prefers the “Quentin Tarantino” style of storytelling.
“He never starts at the beginning,” Grisel says. “He starts with some high drama or somewhere in the middle, and he ties back into it until you get a resolution.”
Grisel tells stories during his speeches, he says, because it’s the best way to not only hold your audience’s attention but help them remember what they’ve learned from you.
“Storytelling is the way our brains recognize and retain information,” Grisel says.
While giving a toast at a wedding, Roeder cautions people about telling stories that might be embarrassing for the bride or groom.
“The best thing to do is run it by a couple people close to the situation,” Roeder says. “They can make sure the stories you’ve chosen are appropriate.”
Practice makes (nearly) perfect
There are people who don’t like to practice their speeches because they want them to seem natural.
“I would definitely not advise that,” Roeder says. “You need to prepare and practice.”
You aren’t the same person you normally are when you’re speaking in front of a crowd, she says. Practicing a speech will likely help you feel more comfortable and make it easier to be yourself.
Like Roeder, McHone makes her students record themselves as they practice.
“They hate it,” she says, “but they learn so much from that.”
Just like anything else, if you take some time to craft a good speech and practice it, it will be pretty good, Roeder says. It might even be better than you thought it ever could be.
Photo by Alpine Vows
Tips for writing heartfelt vows
Bailee and Jake Ward were so busy making sure their big wedding was perfect that they didn’t have time to write their vows. It’s a regret of theirs and part of the reason the Fort Collins couple built their photography and videography business, Alpine Vows, around an elopement niche.
“We actually did a five-year and 10-year vow renewal,” Bailee says. “There’s something so magical about it. You can feel how much more special it is when you take the time to write down how you feel about each other.”
Still, vows are hard work, just like crafting a wedding toast. The Wards put together a tips sheet on their website after hearing from their clients how difficult it was for them to write their vows. Here are some highlights from the list as well as their thoughts on it.
Write your vows on paper
Use a sturdy book, maybe something leather bound and fancy, that you can pull off the shelf and look at for years to come.
“It’s taking something that could be fleeting and turns it into something tangible as a real, physical thing,” Jake says.
Share your story
This is a good way to start your vows. Talk about how you met and what made you realize they were the one. What challenges have you overcome together? What significant moments have you shared? What was funny about your first date?
Be true to yourselves
Don’t feel pressured to write something formal or funny if that’s not you—but if you are funny, incorporating a little humor can make your vows more personal. If you’re sentimental, let it show. Your vows should reflect your personalities and relationship.
Read them out loud
This tip isn’t just so you can practice saying your vows, though that’s also important. Reading your vows out loud helps you edit them for meaning and context.
“There’s something about reading it out loud that you don’t catch when you’re reading it in your head,” Jake says. “Maybe the message wasn’t as clear as you thought it was.”
Be sure to say “I love you”
It sounds simple, but never underestimate the power of saying “I love you,” especially in your vows.
“Sometimes, couples get so caught up in writing their ‘perfect’ vows that they get forget to express the basic, yet essential, truth of their relationship: love,” they write.
