By Peter Moore
Keaton Fletcher and Kimberly French understand the financial strain of our times—they’ve overpaid for lattes too—and the pressure it can put on families. They both teach industrial/organizational psychology at Colorado State University and conduct research on how high finance can produce high stress. What’s more, they’re married with two children, ages 4 and 2.
“Money is the most powerful stressor,” Fletcher says. “When you’re studying behavioral change, the first step is to find variables you can measure. Money, by design, is easy to measure and track, and that lends to stress.”
Fletcher recently published a study about financial stress and leadership. It turns out that if your boss is stressed out financially, they’re more likely to lash out at employees and make poor business decisions. Of course, parenting is a leadership position as well.
How finances affect families
Jennifer Dunkle, of New Awareness Therapy in Fort Collins, is a financial therapist who helps individuals, couples and families make sense of their dollars. One of the main challenges is melding different backgrounds into cohesive and supportive relationships.
“It’s not unusual for each person in a couple to have quite different values and attitudes about money,” she says. “This often stems from having had very different experiences in childhood, adolescence and young adulthood when it comes to money. This tends to produce a lot of stress in couples because we all think that our own way of doing things is the one ‘right’ way to do them.”
Even so, compromise is important for couples to work together to meet their financial goals. Dunkle says both parties are on the “board of directors” of the family and should be familiar with account balances and know what their assets and liabilities are.
“One of you can be the chief operating officer handling the day-to-day bill paying, but it’s important that both people feel fairly equally influential over the big money decisions,” she says.
Of course, if there is tension on the “board of directors,” then the lower echelons (the children) will feel it too. Kids notice when their parents are stressed about money, Dunkle says.
Talking to kids about money
Dunkle suggests being upfront and honest about family finances with children, even if the parents are struggling. The way they approach the discussion also matters.
“You might tell a 6-year-old, ‘Mom has lost her job and will be looking for a new one. So instead of going out to eat, we’ll be eating more at home. But don’t worry, we have enough money for groceries,’” she says. “Information and reassurance are much better for kids than being kept in the dark.”
Fletcher tries to keep his marriage and his kids on an even keel no matter what’s happening in the checkbook.
“Lay the groundwork for financial discussions by building your relationships on trust, including conversations about emotions, what anxiety is and how to react,” he says.
French has studied a mindfulness practice that involves breathwork and walking meditations, both of which can help you slow down when your mind is racing from one imagined catastrophe to another.
“The idea is to stop gut instinct from taking over,” Fletcher says. “Mental health care is about you helping slow down your reactions so you act appropriately.”
Fletcher and French actively model that for their kids. They count to 10 before speaking about tense topics to give their hot-headed instincts time to cool down and their rational side time to emerge. Then they ask themselves how likely it is that the negative outcome they fear will happen.
If their rational side agrees that some of those gut instincts are correct, they can begin strategizing: What small steps can we take to mitigate a risk? What swaps can we make to pay down debts?
“That works especially well with teenagers,” Fletcher says. “Instead of just turning them down flat on something they want, engage with them. Say, ‘How can we save up to buy that prom dress?’”
Fletcher is honest with his kids about how he’s feeling and how he regulates his emotions, and he shares realistic assessments of possible negative outcomes. He also talks about the positives, especially when he’s feeling joyful and confident.
“If I walk the kids through the same self-regulation I’m doing, they can learn it too,” he says. “The benefits can last a lifetime.”
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Other De-stressing Tools
These resources provide additional strategies to slay money stress before it slays you.
1. The American Psychological Association published an article titled “How to Help Children and Teens Manage Their Stress.” Google it for ways to break the stress cycle, including exercise, talking it out, spending more time outdoors, writing about stressors and, as previously noted, mindfulness training.apa.org/topics/children/stress
2. To help prevent those stressors in the first place, consider the 50-30-20 rule of personal budgeting: Spend 50 percent of your after-tax income on needs (shelter, food, healthcare, etc.), 30 percent on wants (restaurant meals, streaming subscriptions, vacations, etc.) and 20 percent on savings (rainy days happen, even in Colorado). The folks at NerdWallet offer a 50-30-20 budget calculator at tinyurl.com/mwzd9te6.
