Mike Ensley was determined to spend more time on his writing, but other priorities kept intruding. He was getting nowhere. So, he tried a trick: He combined his new writing routine with an old habit. Wallah! Before long, he was writing every morning while he lingered over his daily cup of coffee.
Ensley, owner of Comeback Story Counseling in Loveland, was doing what is called “habit stacking,” or pairing a desired habit with an established one. In his case, he carved out the time for writing by coupling it with his morning coffee ritual. It’s one of many tricks he knows as a counselor who works with clients who want to change, get rid of or add new habits to their lives.
Habit change, whether it is to lose weight, eat healthier, balance your bank account or spend more time with family, can often start strong and then fizzle after the first few weeks. Rather than setting and abandoning goals haphazardly, experts say lasting change is possible with some mindfulness and reasonable goal setting.
Ensley works primarily with men to help them heal from relationship trauma, attachment issues and other problems. It’s not uncommon for him to help clients change or create new patterns in order to improve their physical, emotional and mental health.
“What usually drives men to therapy is that there is some pattern in their life they want to correct,” he says. “A lot of making a big change is understanding the ‘whys.’ Why do you want to make that change?”
If the why of the change is something you can’t control, Ensley asks, do you still want to make the change? He provides an example: If you want to run a Tough Mudder race but your why is to earn the respect of a particular person, what you are trying to influence is something you may not be able to change.
“Having a lot of mindfulness and clarity on that is important,” he says. “A lot of times, we get frustrated in our efforts to change because what we are actually trying to influence is something we can’t control, so we have to bring it back to, ‘What is a change I can make?’”
Who do you want to be?
Lifestyle coach Robin McIntire of Training with Passion in Greeley has a series she calls Mind-Body Do-Overs. She challenges her clients to answer the question of who they want to be as an eater, a partner or whatever area of their life they hope to change.
“It is really an identity issue,” she says. “Who do you want to be? If the reason for [wanting change] is not big enough, it won’t happen.”
Another helpful strategy, according to Ensley, is to examine why the current pattern is in place and what purpose it serves. “Once you make a change, there is not going to be anything doing that job anymore,” he says.
He gives the example of drinking. If you quit the habit of drinking, he says, there needs to be a new coping mechanism in its place, such as exercise. Otherwise, it’s too easy to slip back into consuming alcohol.
If you want to ditch a bad habit, McIntire suggests acknowledging the positive associations you’ve created with it and then listing the negative ones.
“It can be a big wake up for people,” she says. “It helps them to slow down and choose what they will do.”
Once the reasoning behind the desire to change is established, the challenge is to continue moving forward. “You may look at the vast expanse of what you want to do, and that can paralyze you,” Ensley says.
A better approach is breaking down that goal.
“Tell yourself, ‘By this time next year, I want to be here,’” he says. “Then understand what the guy who is there next year needs to do today. Every positive change is about the little, consistent things we do that become part of who we are.”
Take the time to change
Changing too quickly or too drastically, Ensley warns, is not sustainable. This often happens with those trying to get in shape. They hit the gym every day over the course of a few weeks, then they stop going. Lasting change often takes longer to accomplish than people want.
“We like something that makes us think we are going to be rich in two months or really shredded in six weeks,” Ensley says, “but it’s not going to happen. You will burn out.”
Instead, Ensley suggests negotiating with your own tolerance level. “Piece the change down into something you can digest,” he says.
One helpful technique is what Ensley refers to as the “five-minute rule.”
“Just start at five minutes,” he says. “Tell yourself, ‘I get to count five minutes of this as a win.’ Your brain responds to repetition and accepts things that keep happening.”
Giving yourself permission to quit after five minutes is not a loss, Ensley says, because it still contributes to the repetition. Oftentimes, after someone has dedicated the five minutes, it isn’t that difficult to keep going.
6 Keys to Creating Lasting Change
1 – Define your why. Understand why you want to change and how you’ll cope without the old habit. You might need to replace a coping mechanism, such as drinking, with something healthy.
2 – Break it into smaller goals. Instead of focusing on the goal of writing a book, for instance, think about writing a chapter a week.
3 – Try the five-minute rule. Move toward your goal of creating a new habit five minutes at a time. The repetition is what’s important.
4 – Stack habits. Piggyback a desired behavior onto a healthy, established habit.
5 – Celebrate small wins. Find ways to reward yourself for sticking to your habit and reaching small benchmarks along the way to your larger goal.
6 – Take it slow. “Change itself brings new challenges: attention from others, sometimes guilt over new behaviors or buying out time for oneself,” McIntire says. “These can be difficult to manage when it happens too fast. Lasting change does not happen overnight.”
