The adage, “always a bridesmaid, never a bride,” has long made women feel inferior. And, at first, that was the point.
The saying was born in the 1920s as part of an advertising campaign for Listerine, according to today.com. The reason young women weren’t finding love, Listerine suggested, was because they had bad breath.
But the saying doesn’t capture the modern bridesmaid experience. Yes, there are hard parts, including the rising costs of being in a wedding party. But it can also be a blast.
The fun parts
NOCO Style’s Jordan Secher knows a lot about the bridesmaid experience. At the time of this writing, she’s enthusiastically accepted the role 10 times.
“It sounds so cliché, but it’s an honor when someone asks you to be part of something so special to them,” she says. “It feels like such a gift they are giving to you; this experience, this place next to them, it feels more like they’re giving you something than they’re asking something from you.”
One of the fun things about being a bridesmaid, Secher says, is being able to help with the wedding planning. She’s helped curate song lists for DJs, given feedback on vows and come up with gift ideas for family members and other bridesmaids. When she was the maid of honor in her best friend’s wedding, she created a book of memories and quotes from each of the bridesmaids and gave it to the bride on the morning of her wedding.
Secher, 27, of Fort Collins, isn’t married, and she’s more than OK with that at the moment. She doesn’t get much flack about it, either. While she says she’d love to get married someday, she’s not in a rush. And she’s not alone.
More and more adults are staying single or unmarried, either by choice or by happenstance. According to Pew Research Center and census data, about two out of five adults ages 25 to 54 are neither married nor living with a partner (that’s a 29 percent increase from 1990). Many, like Secher, are honored to be a part of their friends’ weddings. Others find it to be a chore.
Jordan Secher lending a hand with her best friend’s wedding dress. Photos by Eliza Joy Photography.
The hard parts
Leanne Matthews, 40, of Fort Collins, has been a bridesmaid twice. She was nearly a bridesmaid for a third time, but she and the bride had a falling out before the ceremony. Miscommunication and unclear, unreasonable expectations soured their friendship, she says.
Weddings can bring out the worst in people, Matthews says, especially in the age of social media, when there can be an expectation to do over-the-top, expensive, Instagram-worthy things so the couple can post about their perfect day.
Matthews says she’s enjoyed being a wedding guest much more than being a part of the bridal party. When asked what would make the experience more tolerable, she has a one-word answer: simplicity.
Clear communication and expectations can make all the difference, she says.
“Also, keep in mind not everybody has an extra $300 to spend on a dress, or money for shoes, or these extravagant weekend bachelorette parties,” she says.
According to a survey conducted by The Knot, a popular wedding planning website, the average cost of a bachelor or bachelorette party is about $1,400. That’s a $500 increase since 2019.
Jessie Rule, a wedding planner based in Loveland, says she’s seen that trend reflected locally.
“The bridal showers, the bachelorette parties, those events are becoming bigger things,” she says. “They are often going out of state for destination bachelorette parties, and I’m seeing a lot of co-ed bridal showers.”
With people getting married later in life and waiting longer to have kids, the bachelorette party might look more like a vacation with friends, she says. That can impact the price tag.
Every wedding is different, but Secher feels confident executing her duties.
“Once you’re in it, it’s a commitment,” Secher says. “It can take time and money, but you get to be part of something that affects your friend forever.”
Rule shares that sentiment, even if being a bridesmaid is sometimes stressful. “If someone asks you to stand by their side when they’re about to marry the person they’ll spend the rest of their life with, they see you as someone who is important to them,” she says. “When you get asked to be part of that, and you accept, you should keep that in mind.”
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How to be a good bridesmaid
Secher offers some tips to help you be a supportive friend on the couple’s big day.
1. Get ready quickly. Even if it seems like you have all day, she says, you don’t. Use the curling iron first so you can help others finish getting ready. “It’s the idea of putting your own mask on first so you can help,” she says. “That sounds dramatic, but it helps to make sure you’re ready so no one is waiting on you.”
2. Put important events on your calendar. These include wedding dress shopping, the bridal shower and the bachelorette party. Clear your schedule on the day of the wedding so you can fully show up for your friend.
3. Get your hands dirty. Be ready to help with random tasks, such as finishing the centerpieces and cleaning up after the event.
4. Manage your budget. While conversations about your budget may be awkward at first, understanding everyone’s expectations can prevent heartache in the long run.
5. Remember what it’s all about. No matter how overwhelming being a bridesmaid can be, remember what it’s ultimately about: love and friendship.
